‘WORST MOM’ AWARD WINNER

Sometimes in my positive moments I have this fantasy where I get invited to a fancy awards banquet (not unlike the Oscars, for example). I wear a stunning Elie Saab gown on the red carpet (and lots of sparkly jewelry and everyone likens me to a slightly chunkier Angelina Jolie)…and I am being recognized for my OUTSTANDING PARENTING. The shtick goes something like this:

“The next recipient is being recognized, not only for her ability to multitask (make toaster waffles and apply temporary tattoos at the same time) but also for her extreme patience and ability to withhold swearing like a drunken sailor in front of the offspring. In addition, she has had to put up with DH, cook and clean like a maid, and make her children’s’ lives more educationally fulfilling, enjoyable, meaningful, well documented and amazing than any generation before, all while looking her best, working out, eating healthy and reading educational material to retain brain matter lost in childbirth and evoking a generally cheery appearance ….The award goes to, none other than… Jana” ****applause, cheering and standing ovation follow****

Then I bask in the glow of my prize for approximately 12 hours until my Good Morning America interview where Chris Cuomo happily interviews me for 3 or 4 minutes and then he drops the bombshell: “Well Jana, I know you are confident in your parenting, but we have a few critics who have cited and few ‘not so perfect’ incidents and are asking you to give up your crown”

CC from GMA: “Do you remember the time that your toddler S was wandering down the driveway toward the road when your preschooler B noticed that he was not in his crib napping? What were you doing at that time?”

ME: “I was on the computer.”

CC: “Ahhhh, so you were going to just let him get smacked by a Mack truck?”

ME: “Well no, I thought he was sleeping, but he climbed out of his crib, which I didn’t know he could do, opened a locked door SILENTLY, I might add, and wandered out.”

CC: “And then there was the time both of your sons pulled a glass-front curio cabinet down on their heads. They were climbing up an unsecured cabinet in your home, unsupervised and without helmets”

ME: “Am I really supposed to secure all of my furniture to the wall, in my entire home? And helmets, indoors, SERIOUSLY?

CC: “So you are not questioning the validity of your award?”

ME: “Ummm, I’m not sure….sorry”

CC: “…Then there was the time you fed the kids stale crackers for dinner…..”